By Gail Marsh
I need to make a confession. I have a very bad habit and it’s negatively affecting the way my husband and I communicate while RVing. My habit? It’s three little words: “I don’t care.”
Proof the “I don’t care” problem exists
Here’s how I know I have a problem communicating with my husband. Over the course of the last two travel days, the following conversations have occurred between us:
Husband: “Shall we take our normal route home or go a different way?”
Me: “I don’t care.”
Husband: “Want to stop for lunch at the truck stop up ahead?”
Me: “I don’t care.”
Husband: “Should we take a break and stretch our legs a bit?”
You probably already know how I responded. Seeing our conversations in print, I realize my gross overuse of the three little words, “I don’t care.”
My intent
Obviously, these three words have become my automatic go-to response. I mean them in a positive way. At least I think I do. In my mind, I’m deferring to what my husband might want. For example, he asks, “When should we stop for the night?”
I respond, “I don’t care.” What I intend to communicate is, “Whatever you want is fine with me. I am okay to keep traveling, but if you feel tired, we can stop.”
Husband’s take
My dear husband and travel partner doesn’t always interpret my “I don’t care” response the way I mean my words. Instead, what he hears me saying is, “I’m preoccupied right now. I don’t really care about this (or you) at all.” Ouch!
The thing I fail to think about is that my husband is maneuvering our huge home-on-wheels behind our large dually truck. I tend to forget the lead time it takes to safely slow down, maneuver wide corner turns through traffic, and locate a space large enough to accommodate our 40-foot rig. Often, it takes two fully attentive RVers to scope out the situation. My flippant “I don’t care” isn’t helpful. At all.
Communication is key
I’m glad we talked about this miscommunication because I really do care. Travel routes and lunch choices and all the rest are important to me. Most of all, he’s important to me!
Breaking the habit
I’m really blessed to have a travel (and life) partner who values my preferences. So now when my husband asks me a question, I try to pause before tossing a thoughtless “I don’t care” response back at him.
If I need time to consider, I’ll say, “Let me think about that for a second.” If I honestly don’t have a preference on the matter, I’ll turn the question back to him and ask, “What do you think is best?” At least he knows that I also value his choices. And our relationship stays on track.
Together we’ve determined that if neither of us has a strong preference, we’ll flip a coin and let it decide inconsequential matters for us.
##RVT1083
My marriage thanks you.
Mine too!!
Wife needs to read this. Fat chance!
Then watch what happens!
I always thought I should open a restaurant called “I Don’t Care”.
Where do you want to eat? I don’t care, where do you want to eat? I don’t care.
OK, I’ll meet you there at 5:30.
I get the exact comment from my wife. Where would you like to stop for lunch ? response / I don’t care. How about the Oyster raw bar ? YUCK. and on and on . Stop with I don’t carre.
I figure if my wife responds with “I don’t care”, I can choose whatever I want. Then if she doesn’t like it, “Well, you said…”. She doesn’t tell me that very often. 😁😁
Hmm Wayne, isn’t it true before holy matrimony it went like this:
She: NO!
He: (tries a lessor approach)
She: no
He: (Great, I’ll take it as a “maybe” and asks for permission to proceed…)
She: maybe…
He: (Awesome, game on!)
She: YES!
He: Oh oh, rough riding ahead – I better hang on…
The problem is at my age, I can’t remember the context of that discussion anymore 😉
Oh man did this ever hit home! I blew up at my husband once as I was sick of hearing “I don’t care!” He no longer responds like that and I know to say I’m ready to stretch my legs, time to stop for lunch and a walk, etc., because yes, he will drive straight through from northern Michigan to SW Florida without stopping (except for gas)!
Wife to me: “Are you hungry?”
Me: “No”
What she really means is “I’m hungry and would like to stop for lunch.”
Yes, the talent to a happy marriage is in how you interpret a comment. It would also be advantageous if the little lady could ease the bladder situation, on the side of the road, between the truck and trailer. Nope, that ain’t gonna happen.
On a funnier note, when I have a conversation with one of my astute grandkids who loves to share his assertion of being all-knowing, it goes like this:
Me: [educational learning statement]
Grandson: I know.
Me: [more pithy nuggets]
Grandson: I know…
Me (finally): I YES!
My Wife: I Maybe!!!
Life is too short not to enjoy the ironies of life with all of us seeking to be relevant.
In Malcolm Gladwell’s book “Outliers, The Story of Success” he cites the South Korean cultural issues (superiority/obedience) led to stifled airline crew communication resulting in repeated pilot errors that should have been recoverable.
https://medium.com/leadership-counts/copilot-leadership-what-we-can-learn-from-the-airline-industry-5ed213cef252
On Korean Air flight 801, the first officer and captain had the following exchange while preparing to land in Guam:
“First officer: Do you think it rains more in this area?
Captain: (silence)
Flight engineer: Captain, the weather radar has helped us a lot.
Captain: Yes. They are very useful”
Reverence being supreme, subordinates speaking in Korean adhere to passive subordination. Ultimately, KAL training forced employees to speak in English – a draconian measure that was effective to enhance team communications.
Yep! Or, she will say “That’s a cute ice cream store.” What she means is, she wants to stop for ice cream. After many times of her saying something like that as we are passing a store and I see nowhere to quickly turn around with the trailer, she is now starting to let me know with a bit of warning that she wants to stop somewhere.
I also have a husband who thinks you should only stop for gas. I rarely get a chance to say I don’t care because he seldom asks! My two dogs give me an excuse to stop every so often. I can walk them and do whatever I need. Fortunately the MH means everything I want is right at hand. I think whoever is driving should call the shots. Driver could ask ” Do you care if I stop to……..?” Passenger can respond with yes or no. And the passenger can likewise state his/her requests with “Can we stop till I ….?”
The “I don’t care” statement is misinterpreted. It usually means “I don’t have a preference” or “I’m good with whatever you decide”.
It’s impossible to figure out what “you meant to say” really seems most of us GUYS don’t have a chance with those words! My ears & brain only hears what you said & I react from there.
Snoopy
Wife: I’m hungry
Me: what would like
Wife: I don’t care
Me: Chinese it is
Wife: I hate Chinese
Me: then, you do care
I have found the following question helpful. “What would my old friends do”?
Guilty! DW will ask me something and I’ll answer I don’t care, really I mean it doesn’t matter one way or the other to me but it aggravates her as she is looking for answer. I’m going to have to do a better job of giving her an answer one way or another.
Same here! My bad.
After reading this article, I realize that I don’t say “I don’t care” to my husband, instead I say “It doesn’t matter”. Yikes!!! I’ve gotta stop that! (because yes, it typically DOES matter!!!) 🙂
Regarding the “I don’t care” comments: My Aunt cured me of that long time ago, when she asked me do you want Strawberry or Vanilla ice cream. I replied, (thinking to be polite) “I don’t care”. She said, if you don’t care enough to make a choice, you don’t get any. I chose very quickly.
My response is “come on dear, let’s care together.”
I’ve been trying to explain this to my DW for 40 years and she just refuses to make the adjustment. So get into fights weekly over not caring. Thanks for the comments tips.
I’m driving 65′ of equipment 6-7hrs/day; fighting traffic, idiots and wind; hours of when do I stop to pee? When should I fuel up? Should we stop to eat or eat while moving? What was THAT noise? While DW naps… And I get a “I don’t care…”
Thank you for this reminder! I am one of those people. You have certainly shed a new light on this statement! I’m very grateful to you.
Jlarabee
“Three little words”…
Wonderful article and an important component of good communication. Thanks for the insights.
Great thought provoking article (as usual under your byline).
I take as “I don’t want to make a decision as I would be responsible for the results”.
I do it to my wife all the time, except for a different reason. If she says “what do you want for dinner, The answer is “I don’t care”, since what ever I say she won’t want, so then I get the true answer of what she wants. It saves me from many words.
With that particular question, I KNOW it’s not really an open question, and I avoid IDC and go to “What’s on the menu?” to request options. Assuming I’m still conscious after the cast iron flies past my head, I’ll get a snarky “This isn’t a restaurant!” and then be told what she was planning to make the whole time. I’ve never refused to eat her supper that I can recall, so really, just stop asking.
We laugh about it. Going down the interstate, “There’s an Arbys ahead, do you want to stop for lunch? – or we can wait for the next exit to see what they have” Ans. “I don’t care”, We go on. Maybe this goes on one more time. Then we have run out of close exits and we drive another XXX miles and maybe an hour or so. Finally we find ourselves eating supper at some far exit. WE don’t care.
Oh my,
I am soooo guilty of those “three words”. By RV Travels bringing it to my attention and both sides of the comment I am changing my bad habit.
From today forward I am going to put forth a huge effort to “stop” using the three words.
Same here!
In 2021, a couple weeks before we drove 1,400 miles to pick up our first RV (TT), I expressed to my wife that I was going to have lot of things running through my mind during the trip besides being brand new to RVing. Our personal safety, the security of a pickup full of brand new gear for the RV, navigating/negotiating roads I had never driven before, getting fuel while pulling a trailer, comfort stops, etc, and that I would need her attention when I requested her input.
She was very happy that we had the conversation because in her mind, she had created a bunch of lists (trailer load-out, hotel reservations (2), setup, tear down, rough plan for the 14 day return trip) and she thought she was just going to be along for the ride during the travel times. Thankfully, we learned early in our life together that we both care and we attempt to express our wants/needs clearly. We aren’t perfect at it, but we aren’t afraid to ask for clarification when there is uncertainty.
Better title: Avoid these three words in life.
I say “ it does not matter to me “ I guess the same answer?
Guilty as charged! DW will ask what I want for lunch, “I don’t care”, really I don’t care what we eat but it’s a terrible answer to her question. I’m just very easy to get along with and not fussy about what I eat, but I should do better, now if I could do better.
Happens quite often when we’re traveling. “There’s a rest stop ahead, do you want to stop?”
The answer is almost always, I don’t care. Problem is it’s usually ME that needs to stop.
Most of the time now I don’t even ask. Just pull in.
Don’t ask…just do it.
Thank you, Gail! Usually if DW says she does not care, then either she truly does not OR she is mad at me for something and has no wish to engage with me in any way. If I think it is the former, then I will announce my intentions so she can make whatever preparations are necessary. For example, rather than visiting the bathroom while we are moving, she waits several seconds until I’ve stopped the RV. If the latter, then I know to get us home expeditiously and safely, stopping only when the fuel tank needs filling or my bladder needs emptying. Have a great weekend, and safe and sunny travels! 🙂
Over time, I learned to ask better questions. Instead of “Should we stop for lunch?” which can lead to an answer of indifferent deferment back to me (like IDC). I now ask something like “Are you getting hungry?” That question gives me feedback I can use, and usually opens the door for a counter question like “no, but are you?”
I’ll say that in my case- “I don’t care” is pretty mundane. A much more attention-getting thing is “What’s that noise/smell”.
I do the same thing to my wife. Yes, it’s a problem. I should give more feedback on what I would prefer to eat or where to go. I’m just an easy going person and will be fine wherever or whatever we eat.
I love having conversations with my wife when it comes time to going out to eat.
Me: Where would you like to go?
Wife: I don’t care
Me: How about ??? restaurant?
Wife: No
Me: How about ??? restaurant?
Wife: No
So in actually she does care, she just won’t tell me….
Yeah, she cares. But is often only able to express it as what she doesn’t want rather than what she does want. And Gail, yes, I am focusing on towing a trailer and don’t want to devote brain cells to a game of 20 questions to narrow down what is desired or even acceptible.
If I get a I don’t care – then I will make the decision and then I am also prepared to find out what she really wants. “What would you like for lunch, IDC – fine then you get what I am having, oat meal!” (or whatever!) (This was all before my wife had a major deteriorating health condition).
It has been more than once that I have asked about stopping at the next exit for supper and more than once that I have asked about pulling over for the night, and more than once that we have found ourselves, without supper, looking for a motel at 2:00 AM.