Hilarious small town crime reports

4

By Chuck Woodbury
ROADSIDE JOURNAL

When I was a roving reporter, back in the days when an issue of a small town weekly newspaper was 25 cents, I bought them often. I loved reading the crime reports. Sure, small towns have major crime at times, but the little weeklies tended to run stories about crimes not so “big time,” and often unintentionally funny.

One of the funniest I recall seeing was actually a “fire” call. The local fire department responded to a call about a fire on the Main Street. The “fire” it turned out, was a burning potato chip bag. I am not kidding.

Here are a few actual crime reports that I found recently in the Grass Valley, California, Union Newspaper, which I read online periodically. I lived in the area for many years, so like to check in to see what’s happening. These reports brought a smile to my face:

• A panic alarm was received from Amber Loop, and the resident advised his parrot activated the alarm.

• A caller said, “Is this an emergency? I need Taco Bell,” then hung up.

• A caller wanted to know if the MGM Grand (Hotel Casino) was open, and was advised not to call 911.

• A man reported he let a woman stay with him, violating the restraining order he had against her. She brought another man home, hit the caller with a shoe and was refusing to leave.

• A woman reported her daughter walked into the house, took the family cat and left.

• A man from Highway 20 and Mooney Flat Road reported a Middle Eastern person with carrier pigeons. He knows this “might sound strange,” but terrorists are trying to find new ways of infiltrating the country.

• A caller from Wolf Creek Road and Kodiak Lane reported an ongoing issue with at-large goats.

Please send any small town crime reports you come across to diane@rvtravel.com. We’ll post them from time to time.

##RVT948

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Paul
4 months ago

I’m not sure why the story of the middle eastern person brought a smile to your face. It’s RACISM!

Kathryn Arnold
4 months ago

My all-time favorite is from the first time I read the tiny local newspaper of a coastal town in North Carolina. The short notice, with photo, stated: “A wrecker retrieved Miss E____ R___’s station wagon from the marsh along Hwy 70 again.” It was the “again” that got me. Interestingly enough, years later I found myself living along a remote estuary with the lovely woman as my next-door neighbor, now an enthusiastic member of AA and contentedly on the wagon.

Kurt Shoemaker Sr
5 months ago

Recently a local woman knocked on her landlords door. When he answered she handed him a cigarette pack that contained a small bottle filled with a liquid. She demanded “Take this as my rent for this month.” and she staggered back toward her apartment. She is now a resident of the Gray Bar Motel for Distribution and Possession of Meth.

Tommy Molnar
5 months ago

When we first moved to Carson City, NV 30+ years ago, we used to get laughs every day from the local police blotter. All kinds of silly stuff (especially to me, having grown up in Chicago!). But alas, Carson CIty has grown up and the stuff in the blotter is no longer funny. Sigh.