Thursday, June 1, 2023


Funny oil change instructions for men versus for women

Sent in by George Bliss. (Original author unknown, but on the Web since at least 2005. This is totally tongue-in-cheek. Please take these with a grain of kitty litter and don’t take offense or determine this is sexist and chew us out.)

Oil change instructions for women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, pay and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil change: $20
Coffee: $1
Total: $21


Oil change instructions for men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, pay $50.
2) Stop and buy a case of beer, pay $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 13 mm box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up. Crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 10.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame, removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: Arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50
DUI: $2500
Impound fee: $75
Bail: $1500
Beer: $20
Total: $4,145
Knowing the job was done correctly: Priceless.



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Judy S
2 years ago

This one was new to me. I laughed out loud when it got to: Beer.

2 years ago

Thanks for the laugh! Brightened my day! Brought up many memories – skip the beer part tho! (I still change the oil in spite of the bloody knuckles and metric plugs!)

Thomas D
2 years ago

You neglected the most costly item. The forever item. Insurance for DWI is going to be forever and expensive. Plus the attorney . You’ll be needing one.
And no, not from experience. I don’t partake in alcohol.

2 years ago
Reply to  Thomas D

Blah, blah, blah.

2 years ago
Reply to  Thomas D

Agreed! My son had 3 DUIs over the years. On the last one, he lost his license for the rest of his life, went to jail, and paid a fine. His life will never be the same. That was his low bottom, he has been sober for 8 years. As they say, he learned his lesson and will never hurt anyone through alcohol abuse/addiction.

2 years ago

This story is just like most of the commercials you see on T.V. the man is a complete idiot. Then they show the wife and even small children smarter than the dolt she married.

Bob P
2 years ago

At least he tried! I had a neighbor many years ago who bought a new car and in the middle of the winter it wouldn’t start so he asked me to check it for him. The battery was only 11 months old and showed 90% charge but the starter wouldn’t crank it over. Pulling the dip stick from the engine required considerable effort when it finally came free it looked like tar on it. I asked him when the last time he had the oil changed, he looked at me with a puzzled look and “ do you have to change the oil”?
So yes there are blooming idiots that grow outside of a garden. Today we would accuse them of being a millennial, that was the winter of 75-76 in northern IL. You can’t fix stupid!

Matt C
3 years ago

You left out the part that includes my bother’s x-wife.
Pull in and get coffee.
They drain the transmission because it is not familiar and do not refill it because it is manual.
They discover the engine oil drain and dump that. Then pull on a wrong oil filter.
She paid and left. The transmission was really loud and started to smoke.
She thought she could get home.
She didn’t the wrong number oil filter blew off. The engine got “rattly” a stopped.
The car was only worth about 6 or 7 thousand dollars and all the quotes to repair were higher.
She did do this to one of his cars again.
The AAA tow was covered.
So, let’s leave it at $6,000.

Judy S
2 years ago
Reply to  Matt C

Gads. My niece just had an oil change and they didn’t replace the drain plug. Fast forward, she has an entire new engine paid for by the shop’s insurance. And a rental car for a month while it was sorted out.

Billy Bob Thorton
3 years ago

Look, I know it’s humor, but I’m getting tired of the whole bashing thing. Men or women. Watch any national commercial and note who they bash, 99% of the time. Ever wonder why they target one demographic, because there is no downside.

2 years ago

Thanks for saying it.

John Macatee
2 years ago

Thanks, I agree

2 years ago

Wow! Talk about being overly sensitive.

3 years ago

How true – but {bleeped} funny – thanks for the smile.

3 years ago

You forgot in the priceless category. One hour of quiet away from the spouse. Lol, just kidding.

Gerald (Jerry) Tupper
3 years ago

Thanks for the wonderful humorous example of the difference between men and women. Yes there is a difference and I celebrate it.

3 years ago

In TEXAS, you can expect a minimum DUI fine of around $12,000 plus attorneys fees! OUCH!

3 years ago
Reply to  Jeff

Yep, in Texas they have to pay for that massive amount of blacktop.

2 years ago
Reply to  Robbie

By the way, YOU will be going to Jail too! DUI in Texas is an expensive affair!

Bob P
2 years ago
Reply to  Really

You should go to jail, do not collect $200, if you’re stupid enough to drink and drive. I know I was related to a bunch of drunks, they weren’t alcoholics because they didn’t go to meetings.

2 years ago
Reply to  Bob P

I agree, my ex-outlaws were the same except drinking meant 6 foot holes in a shiny box without windows.

David Telenko
2 years ago
Reply to  Bob P

Hi Bob, best one I ever heard! “They weren’t alcoholics because they didn’t go to meetings”.

2 years ago
Reply to  David Telenko

Looks like the joke went right over ya’lls heads. Smh.

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