By Rick Cain
Most RVers do laundry. But not me. I don’t have to deal with laundry at all. Let me tell you why.
Boredom and me have never been a good combo. Once my brain starts to wander it comes up with all kinds of fun stuff. Including this brilliant strategy. Guys, if you want to get out of laundry duties, pay attention.
We were somewhere in Texas in a laundry mat. I was sitting there with nothing to do, no power or Internet for my tablet. Soooooooo, I started looking around. First thing I see is a timer on the washers. However, it’s not really timed to the minute. So I started counting down. Each time the timer ticks down one I say out loud … really loud … “19, 18, 17,” etc., until the actual minute passes.
I watched my watch. It was short 12 seconds the first time, 10 seconds the next.
During this time my wife simply shushed me. But I have about forty-five seconds to wait for the next movement of the timer and that’s forty-five seconds my brain has to add up the lost seconds.
So at about 9 minutes I start to wonder. What happens to those lost seconds? Over 30 minutes we lost 12 seconds on average for each minute. That was like 360 seconds, close to six minutes of washing time that my quarters paid for!
Now that my brain had done the math there was no way I could let this go. It must be corrected! My wife in the meantime has gone past “Shush” to “Oh My God, would you please shut your mouth and grow up!” Hmmmm … Does that seem likely to happen at this point?
THE LADY WHO RUNS THE PLACE walks by just in time. Before I go on I must tell you that my wife bought a soft drink from her, and they had a short conversation about nothing. You will need to know this. So the lady walks by. I ask when was the last time anyone certified these washers. She looks at me as if I were speaking some other language. The wife jumps in with, “Oh, ignore him. He thinks he’s being funny.” (I would like it noted I was not being funny. I wanted those six minutes!)
So I asked a different question. “Do you know that your timers are not a full sixty seconds? We are being shorted several seconds per minute.” I swear to you she looked at me and said, “I no speak English.” So I said, “You spoke it to my wife when she bought a drink!” She just smiled, shrugged and walked away.
My wife got mad. She smacked my arm so fast her hand never seemed to move. Then she did it again. So I spent most of the rest of the laundromat time rubbing my arm and lifting baskets. I never found out what happened to those missing seconds. A year later it still haunts me.
Fast forward to Florida, laundry day again. It surprises me how often we have laundry day. My belief is we should wait ’til the sniff test fails.
I grabbed a pair of my wife’s underwear and sniffed, loudly, making a production out of it, and told her they failed the sniff test. She looked at me deadpan. “Those are my clean underwear for the day. You’re an idiot.” So my idea for getting out of laundry that day died. So off we went. I was told to be quiet several times in the car on the way to the laundromat. It was explained to me very clearly that any “active cuddling” that night with her might not occur if I spoke at all. That motivated me to keep quiet.
But something was wrong with the washers. They would start to make this loud vibration when washing. Well, I might not be able to say a word but I did see this movie once. So after the washers were loaded I remained silent. My wife, now feeling safe, got up to get a Coke. I immediately walked over to a vibrating washer and hopped right on top, making groaning sounds. Loudly. My wife turned four shades of red. The lady running the laundry mat came over and said, “You can’t sit on those washers.” I looked around as if I had no idea she was talking to me.
She continued, “You can’t sit there. It can break them.” The wife was trying to get across the room to calm things, but she was too late. I spoke for the first time since getting there. “Sorry, ma’am, but the wife said if I spoke even once there was no cuddling for me tonight. So I figured I would deal with this situation without talking.” I swear to you that lady just started laughing and turned and walked away. Again, I spent the rest of the time there rubbing my sore arm.
FAST FORWARD TO IOWA and the last time she let me go with her. We wash, and dry, no issue. I am sure she thought she was in the clear. We go to the tables used for folding. There are a bunch of people there. I say to my wife rather loudly, “Those washers didn’t do a very good job on the underwear!” My wife said, “Teach ya to wipe better.” To which I responded, “Yeah, but they’re your underwear!” I held up a pair. The guy across from us busted out laughing, no hiding it. The woman just down the way snorted. The woman across from the wife turned two shades of red. Me? I just rubbed a sore arm all the way home.
Now, the kid does laundry with the wife. For some reason she doesn’t let me go anymore. Shame, since it was so much fun except the stinging of the arm.
Pro tip for RV campers in laundries: Don’t hold up your wife’s underwear and ask if anyone lost some tighty whities. Also never say “granny panties” in a laundromat. That makes your arm sting, too.
Thanks for the laugh, and coincidentally it sounds way, WAY too much like my wife and myself. I think these situations are why she insists that our next RV have a washer/dryer built in.
So, if it were the other way around and the husband was smacking the wife?
Dude, your wife is an abuser.
I seem to get into nice conversations at campground laundry facilities, but ownership usually hates my guts. Campgrounds usually have crummy washers and dryers. The agitators on the washers are straight up and down, not curved like a screw. If they have a front loader, it only spins at 500 RPM. It is hell being a former appliance salesman for Home Depot.
OMW, this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time! Somehow I missed it the first time around and am so happy that you printed it again.
I can’t stand fire pits. the smoke gets everywhere. you’re trying to sleep and yep here comes the smoke and it’s only a few feet from your window. of course I do not go to any campgrounds that have fire pits, thank you. and those TVs on the side of your RVs are horrendous. you can hear that TV six sites down, so please people, keep it quiet.
My wife walked by just as I finished this. I told her, “You have to read this!” As soon as she finished she said, “I didn’t know that many people had problems in the laundromat!” Who does this sound like!”
Our problem didn’t start in the laundromat, though. Ours started when I quite work and had some extra time, so, thought I would “help out.” She was still employed so I figured the least I could do was help out!
I decided to was the clothes. Now I had been washing my work clothes and I did know about separating colors and whites, but some how I managed to get something red things in with the whites. Now in the white was a good white blouse and her white nursing uniforms. Needless to say, when the whites came out with red streaks in them, my wife didn’t think I was much help, and proceeded to tell me about it! I wasn’t very receptive of her “criticism!”
A short time later as she was putting clothes in the washer, she grab my shirt sleeve and was going to give me instructions on how to wash clothes. At this point I said, “I know how to wash clothes, don’t wash your’s!
Well, we’re still married, and I do wash some of her clothes, once in a while; but I pretty much stay away from her washing!
Hilarious! I rarely have hubby with me at the laundromat – he helps me in with the clothes then I send him out to do the shopping. It gives us both some space and I hate shopping and he hates the laundromat, so it’s a win-win!
worked for me too, I put everything in the dryer and wifes clothes all shrank so they were too small. No more doing laundry for me.
Rick, STAY AWAY FROM ME!. If we ever got together it wouldn’t be sore arms, our wives would shoot us both for sure. Loved the story.
I have found that management doesn’t understand questions about their washers or dryers. Heck, some of them are experts at ignoring the restrooms too.
How about this option? My friend buys shirts and pants at thrift stores, wears them for “awhile”, and then sells them at his occasional yard sale unwashed (since he says everyone washes anything they buy at yard sales). And he only shops at thrift stores where they give senior discounts. To top it all off he actually dresses sharp using all the top name brands!
What makes your friend think the clothes he buys at thrift stores have been washed? Chances are they are dirty too.
your story is hilarious! Thank you for giving me laugh therapy today.
Hilarious! Sounds like something I would do!
I must admit though, I was actually looking forward to some new technique that saved soap and water or maybe some new gadget that we could use in our RVs so as not to have to patronize public laundromats ever again, ha! could one of you bored RVers’ doing laundry think up something like that Please, ha!
Here you go, KitKat. A short video from Chuck from awhile ago: https://youtu.be/4HWg_GDHDME BTW — I just noticed in the news this morning that along with grocery stores, pharmacies, etc., laundromats are considered “essential” so are allowed to stay open. 😀 —Diane at RVtravel.com
Grt. story. My husband also read it, told him it wont work for him..lol
Very very funny! ! !
My new solution on the Road is to take to the Laundromat where the nice owners feature “Fluff And Fold”. Discovered this in Quartzsite, $1.50/lb. Amazing, 4 hour service, Amazing! Changed my whole outlook on my two week solo adventures. I now come home with CLEAN clothes. AMAZING. Now I only wear the same clothes two days instead of 4.
Love This. Of course I’ll have to forward it to my wife. I’ll let you know later how my arm is healing.
I don’t think making fun of your wife in front of strangers is funny.
Well Therese, we probably would be compatible, but than probably neither am I compatible with the other 99.9999999999% of the women in the world! My wife (of 49 years) is my “straight man” for my act. But there is nothing better than when she “turns the tables” on me, although, sometimes I don’t laugh at first! But she deserves every one she gets on me.
But, we are all different and the main thing is that we enjoy our lives! Remember, none us are getting out of this old world alive and you only go around once, so enjoy the hell out it! Best wishes to you!
There is something wrong with you, and I like it! The wife and I both have tears from laughing. Keep up the funny stories please.
Keep it up buddy, you may get out of camping with the wife altogether.
Funny article… we need more comedic editorial!
Re: lost seconds: If not for the 90% accuracy, I’d say it’s using a mechanical clock based on the 60hz line cycle as the oscillator — your line frequency is thus running around 66hz which is possible, but unusually bad. Power companies sometimes mess with the frequency as part of load balancing. You CAN modify electronic clocks with a “bad” crystal to change their speed, but that’s pretty advanced for most laundromats…