Is there someone in your life you can’t please no matter how hard you try?

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By Chuck Woodbury
I could never please my father. No matter what I did, it was never enough. He envisioned me a certain way, and I wasn’t that way even though I was a good person, respected by my peers. I believe he was proud of me, but he could not show it. I’ll never understand why.

He was the same way with my brother, who eventually left the family, never to return again. Many of my friends have similar stories.

Alas, I have problems today with some members of my family. They do not approve of me for one reason or another. There seems nothing I can do to gain their acceptance. As time has passed we have become more estranged. It’s a shame.

I knew a woman once, mid-60s, who had done well with her life. But when she visited her mother, in her 80s, she couldn’t drive her Mercedes there or risk criticism about how unwise she was with her money. It was the same with every aspect of her life.

Years ago I attended a lecture by a psychologist about this. She called these people our “irregular persons.” No matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, no matter how successful we become, we’re just not good enough.

How about you? Do you have an “irregular person” in your life, or did you once? Please leave a comment.

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D C
3 months ago

The family I was born into. They needed someone to blame for everything that went wrong because it was easier than actually working on fixing what was/is wrong. A lot went wrong because one parent was gone more than home due to their job and the one who was home had serious issues with alcohol. I had hoped when all of us kids grew up things might change a little. They didn’t. In a way they got worse. One sibling’s spouse decided to jump on the ‘blame them’ wagon with a vengeance, I guess thinking to make brownie points. They also made a point of talking me down to our extended families. I was rarely around to defend myself when they did. Of course when people are hearing several people saying the same thing they tend to believe those people rather than giving the one a chance. Consequently, I very rarely see my family. I do talk and text with some of them occasionally but rarely about anything meaningful. It makes me so incredibly sad that my own family doesn’t have a clue who I really am. I have, however, been fortunate enough to gather friends who are the family I’ve never really had. I count my blessings every day for this pieced together ‘family’. Life would be worse than lonely without them.

Deborah Font
5 months ago

Funny how a lot of people have a parent and yes, I have a parent but I have removed myself from her but I have a daughter that I just can’t be good enough for. Although she and her sister were raised wonderful with me I still have to prove myself to her over and over or she is furious with me and stops talking to me for a while.

Donn
6 months ago

Yes, my children and their children ….. so, I killed and ate the left-overs. Kids make great tacos.

Mahlia
6 months ago

My mother as I was growing up called me a stupid ass daily(her term of endearment) I had to do all the cooking by age 12, most of the cleaning, I hand washed dishes from about age 6, we didn’t have a dryer back then, she would pile up several loads of clothes in the basket and then send me out to hang them on the line, she slapped the hell out of me one time bc I wasn’t folding the towels correctly, she grabbed me by the hair and pushed my face in the running water in the kitchen sink bc the water wasn’t hot enough, at a young age she would make us stop what we were doing and make her a cup of hot tea and bring it to her. She was just sitting doing nothing, she didn’t even work, there were many other things she did. When she was young she made many bad choices in her life. I am 67, she had three children from all different men, I didn’t even know who my fathers was for years and didn’t meet him until my 30’s. However she was overly critical of all 3 of us girls. I was terrified of my stepfather, her 3rd and last husband. He would stand over me and scream at me, scarring me so bad when I was little, that I would wet my pants. Then he would beat us with his belt, he was a big man 6’1” 250 lbs. I was molested by my stepfathers dad, he only got his hands on me twice, after that even though we didn’t talk about molestation in those days and I was only 5, my instincts told me to stay clear of him, I never told my parents. Once I got married it took me 7 years to stand up to her, when I did, she backed off. My sisters resent me, (again everyone blames me) bc they think I am her favorite, in truth I just stood up to her. She knew I meant what I said when I told her I would leave and never come back. When I married my husband I thought, finally someone to love me and have my back, well guess what, in some ways I married my mom. He said I couldn’t even get a job, I got a job, paying almost as good as his. I did everything possible to make myself attractive, I dressed nice, kept myself in shape, I was always reading to better myself. He would criticize me, he would say “you don’t do anything, even though our house has always been spotless. I have always taken care of our finances, raised our 4 kids with very little help from him, all while working. The reasons I stayed with him once I realized what I had done(it took about 8 years, I always blamed myself, I wasn’t good enough) First and foremost, I didn’t want my kids to not have their father in their life like me. He never hit me only verbally abused me, so we would fight a lot bc I wouldn’t just let him walk on me. But we never fought over things like money, the kids, everyday life stuff. We fought over how he treated me. Now after raising my kids and always putting them first, they are critical of me. Their complaint, I talk to others too much. It feels like no matter what I do for anyone, I am not good enough. I have even gone to therapy(I had a complete breakdown from stress). They say I have done incredibly well in life considering my childhood. However here I am at 67, wanting to run away(my mo when I get can’t cope ). I tried very hard not to do to my kids what my mom did to me. I am proud to say, they all turned out incredibly well. I know they can only live life based on their experiences. However I get so tired of always being in the wrong, in my husbands eyes and my kids eyes at times. One of my daughters told me one time, it’s not you mom, it’s us we are like dad. The moral of my story, if you were treated bad as a child, don’t marry young. Go to therapy so you can overcome your issues before you jump into a relationship with someone. It reminds me of that old saying “jumping from the frying pan, into the fire” which is what many of us do. To this day I crave acceptance unconditional love. Maybe I believe in fairytales, maybe this is just the way people are and you have to just except it. Is my problem coming from my childhood where I never felt safe or loved so I am expecting too much from others. I wonder do others feel the way I do and they just hide it?

Brian S. Holmes
6 months ago
Reply to  Mahlia

I rest my case.

Brian S. Holmes
4 months ago
Reply to  Mahlia

I see a problem with the “story”.

Shredder
8 months ago

Not anymore.

squeakytiki
9 months ago

I was raised by an overcritical person. Now, years after their death I beat myself up in their place. I’ve struggled all my life with a voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough and I place the blame for that voice on how I was raised. Some people need to not be parents.

Greg Bryant
10 months ago

Had to learn the hard way. Had a father that I was never good enough for. He finally came around a few years before he died. It occurred to him that his definition of success was simply his. I was a successful person in my definition and he finally got it. My first wife became unjustifiably arrogant and narcissistic sometime after our son was born. Since I was not good enough for her, she found it easy enough to get the divorce.

So now I say that since these people rarely ever change, be rid of them. They either will never accept that each person as they are, not how you want them to be or they just get off on making you miserable. I do feel for my son though. He still will make an occasional attempt to have a relationship with his mother. But at 21 he’s beginning to accept the reality that to personalities like his mother’s, relationships are just weapons.

Al Florida
10 months ago

You asked “is there” so the answer is no. Was there? Well yes, My father, but he is long gone. Probably, like you he was proud of me, but not in a way that he showed it. Now, do I please my wife and two adult (mid 40’s) children. Not always, maybe not usually. But then again I was not put on earth to please everyone.

Bill
10 months ago

Didn’t answer the question because if I can’t please someone, but I am pleased with myself, I don’t really care.

KMG
1 day ago
Reply to  Bill

TOUCHE’

Jim
10 months ago

Not since my 2002 divorce! Had three fabulous kids, but 25 years was enough.

Sue
10 months ago

I’m surprised and saddened by much of what I’m reading here, from Chuck and in the comments. Even though I and my close and extended family members have chosen a variety of lifestyles and beliefs, I don’t think they were ever anywhere near that judgemental or critical of one another. If my parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. were ever disappointed in my choices they didn’t criticize me for them or make me feel like I’d let them down. I always felt like they were proud of me. They did have some concerns when I had a mega mid-life crisis at 50 and got divorced, retired from a stressful career, moved across the country, and remarried . . . but they knew I was a Big Girl and had it figured out before making those decisions. They even thought it was cool when my current husband and I sold our house to RV full-time. I guess I’m lucky my family was always supportive — or at least didn’t voice any negative opinions that I could hear!

Kevin Loving
10 months ago

Something for all of us to “Ponder”…… “Unless they are still in diapers; YOU CAN’T “CHANGE” them”

Tina
10 months ago

Not anymore! My Mom died in 1981.

Linda
10 months ago

So sad to read about all the people who have no more contact with other family members or friends. I am blessed to have been brought up in a loving family and my older brother and I have always loved each other, even as youngsters (he is 7 years older). All our cousins are beloved family members and still keep in contact. We are all “senior citizens” so that reflects the kind of upbringing of the 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s. Today is so different.

Gigi
10 months ago

My mother was like Chucks father, I was never the person she thought her daughter should be. But I figured out at a fairly young age that it was her not me, so I was good to her but lived my life as myself. She died some time ago and I didn’t do much mourning.
Then I had a person who considered me her best friend, I tolerated it for many years, but finally just broke the relationship. I sometimes feel bad about doing it, because she didn’t have much in the way of friends, but not enough to contine in such a negative relationship.

Brian S. Holmes
4 months ago
Reply to  Gigi

Seems like it`s more of a female problem, can’t imagine why.

eddie
10 months ago

This question requires a third option. Something like “I no longer care about pleasing people. Making them happy is not my job.”

Mark Walker
29 days ago
Reply to  eddie

Bingo, the key to life. 🙂

KMG
1 day ago
Reply to  eddie

Touche’

Drew
10 months ago

Sure are alot of miserable people out there- I can’t believe the poll. What a waste. I’m sure feelings carry over into other parts of their lives as well.

Admin
RV Staff (@rvstaff)
10 months ago
Reply to  Chuck Woodbury

In addition to this being “reassuring to know we are not alone” for those who have dealt with or are dealing with people like that, it has caused me to realize how fortunate I am, and have been my whole life, to not have anyone like that in my life. Sure, my dad was extremely strict and could even be a “tyrant,” but he meant well and did the best he could. And I knew he was always “on my side” no matter what. 😀 —Diane at RVtravel.com

Wayne Caldwell
10 months ago

Not so many any more. Most of them have died and I don’t have to concern myself with them. As for others, I have family that I’ve not seen or heard from for decades. Tried to reconnect, to no avail. Don’t know them and don’t miss them. Ain’t gonna try any more.

Bob Godfrey
10 months ago

My children. Lost 2 of them in my divorce from my first wife since they took sides. What is surprising is that they are adults and are both divorced themselves. My remaining married son is the only one who speaks to me.

Captn John
10 months ago

Yes,,, OH YES!! A sibling my brother and I feel is simply crazy and nasty. We both finally gave up and wrote her completely out of our lives. Sad as we were close as children. Don’t miss her and don’t think or talk about her.

Steve
1 month ago
Reply to  Captn John

This really a sad story. Life is too short to be pissed off at people! Because when they are gone – it’s too late!

Last edited 1 month ago by Steve
KMG
1 day ago
Reply to  Steve

Unfortunately this is true…