BY SWAMI HAL
Swami Hal is a retired psychic who travels full-time in a 37-foot Pace Arrow motorhome with his considerably younger, full-figured German wife Helga, aka Helga the Magnificent. The couple have two dogs, Brownie and Spotty, and a black cat named Blacky. Swami Hal has won numerous awards (he says), due to his uncanny ability to predict the future with fairly decent accuracy. We are honored to have the exclusive rights to publish Swami Hal’s monthly horoscopes for RV enthusiasts.
GEMINI
May 21-June 20
Far in the distant Boxcar Belt, two asteroids, Gabe and Wilameena, are on a collision course. The two objects will meet this month and cause a spectacular stellar event, which sad to say will not be visible to human eyes for six light years which means you’ll be dead. So, too bad for you. But the result will be a very bad June for your hair. It will be very unruly. Resist using creme rinse until July. 
Trust me on this.
CANCER
June 21-July 22
One day this month, probably on a Saturday, someone will knock on your door. It will be an elderly man, well dressed, with a cigar in his right hand. He will say, “I like your RV and I would like to buy it.” You will probably say, “Thanks, but it’s not for sale.” And then, he will say, “I will give you two million dollars, cash!” This man is running a scam, no doubt about it! Slam your door and call 911. He must be stopped!
LEO
July 23-August 22
Sit down because this news is going to floor you! Believe it or not, you will receive a phone call this month from Donald Trump, yes, the President himself! He will ask for your advice on a guided missile system he is considering to protect America from the threat of a secret invasion from Iceland. He’s very concerned and no longer trusts his aides, who are leakers. So you must weigh in. But be careful with your advice: This is important. A threat from Iceland is not to be taken lightly.
VIRGO
August 23-September 22
It’s your lucky month, Virgo. You will come into an unexpected inheritance on either the 17th or 22nd. It will be from a distant cousin, someone you never met. So no tears to shed, just some dinero to spend as you wish except on food. You must not spend it on food. Tools would be good or lawn furniture or a brand new washer-dryer combo.
LIBRA
September 23-October 22
A couple, 50ish, will approach you in the campground and seem very friendly. You will like them very much. They will probably invite you to dinner in their fifth wheel trailer. The Swami advises that you pass: Even though they are nice people, they plan to pitch you before the night is over on an “incredible” multi-level marketing opportunity that involves selling anti-aging pills made of recycled outboard motor oil.
SCORPIO
October 23-November 21
Has your spouse been acting strange lately? It’s likely that it’s about an extramarital affair or a temporary brain condition caused by drinking too much fruit punch. Best bet for a solution is to keep fruit punch out of the house or RV. If it’s the other reason, that’s a harder nut to crack. Good luck.
SAGITTARIUS
November 22-December 21
Eat garlic every other day this month or risk the devastating condition called Vampitis in which your blood gathers abnormally on your face, turning it beet red. This will not harm you, and the condition will pass after a few days, but it will not look good. So do what you want, but the garlic would a good idea.
CAPRICORN:
December 22-January 19
The distant planet Crabgrass 11, part of the Babs Galaxy, will cross the asteroid belt Blabber 14 on or about June 15, causing erratic electrical impulses that may cause emotional problems in humans aged 45 and older. It will be best to stay alone indoors during this period and avoid toasters, waffle irons and electronic coffee makers, which will be most susceptible to malfunctions or transference of corrupted energy to cellular matter, which would include you.
AQUARIUS
January 20-February 18
You will meet a stranger this month who will drive you mad with desire. If you are single, then pursue this person because an opportunity like this does not happen very often. If you are married, look but don’t touch. If you are unhappily married to a miserable person, then seriously weigh your options and maybe go for it.
PISCES
February 19-March 20
The planet Platpuke 23.5 is in alignment with Earth, which happens once every 17 years. Platpuke 23.5 is known to astrologers as the “Automotive Planet.” What this means is that it’s a good time to get your vehicle serviced. It’s critical that you tell the mechanic to pay special attention to fan belts: At least one is close to failure, which is very serious and must be fixed.
ARIES
March 21-April 19
One day this month, you and your spouse will argue over whether to break camp that day or the next. By all means, stay the extra day! If you leave right away you will run into a terrible hailstorm with baseball-sized hail that will pound your RV so hard you will develop 13 major leaks and hundreds of little dents. You don’t want that. No way!
TAURUS
April 20-May 20
Have you noticed a bad odor lately in your RV? It’s called mobile house-atosis, and it will just get worse. Best to air the place out and clean your carpet. You probably spilled something somewhere you can’t see and it’s stinking up the place.
COPYRIGHT 2017 by the Swami Hal Foundation. Swami Hal suggests you use your own judgment when considering his advice. “While I am right a lot, I am also wrong a lot,” he explains. All rights (and wrongs) reserved.