BY SWAMI HAL
Swami Hal is a retired psychic who travels full-time in a 37-foot Pace Arrow motorhome with his considerably younger, full-figured German wife Helga, aka Helga the Magnificent. The couple have two dogs, Brownie and Spotty, and a black cat named Blacky. Swami Hal has won numerous awards (he says), due to his uncanny ability to predict the future with fairly decent accuracy. We are honored to have the exclusive rights to publish Swami Hal’s monthly horoscopes for RV enthusiasts.
September 23-October 22
It’s not looking good for you in the money department, Libra. Distant gamma rays from the plant Rayon III in the Gamma Gamma Big Bang Galaxy will be especially strong toward all born under the sign of Libra, primarily mid-month, and strongest on Saturday mornings before any coffee is consumed. So best not to buy a new rig this month, especially with less than 25 percent down. The deal could go south on you for reasons unclear to the Swami right now. If you want to know more, send me $100 and I’ll have a clearer picture.
October 23-November 21
The Swami sees a train in your future. It’s not entirely clear, but it could be that you are in for a narrow escape at a railroad crossing, probably on the 17th or 21st, and most likely at about 9 a.m., when the planets Earp and Zomlac in the Bob Galaxy will line up in a curious, but menacing circular pattern. So be careful at the tracks!
November 22-December 21
Don’t go pointing any fingers at friends or family this month. You will be wrong. The planet Goblet has exploded and is sending highly charged cosmic dust every which way. Apparently, for reasons scientists do not understand, a substantial amount is headed toward Earth. Even though it will not arrive for more than 10,000 years, there is strong evidence that all those born under the sign of Sagittarius will be affected beginning this month and every October until it arrives, causing those under the sign to be chronically wrong. So no finger pointing, okay?
December 22-January 19
Switch toothpaste right now! Seriously! This is critical. If not, you risk losing your #7 tooth. If you want to know which tooth is #7, ask a dentist. The Swami knows squat about teeth, except for reasons he does not understand he is still equipped with a strong set of choppers. In your case, switching toothpaste will help block a negative confluence of energy that will be directed toward the #7 tooth and, in fact, will strengthen it. Trust the Swami. He sees things you can’t because you are not blessed with a mind even half as brilliant. Just sayin’.
January 20-February 18
Do not take any sleeping pills this month. They will cause you to sleepwalk. Most likely all will be okay. In fact, it looks to the Swami when examining both his large crystal ball and his small glass ball, that the worst that will happen is you will cook up an astounding breakfast while sleepwalking that will surprise the heck out of you the next morning. Still, for one out of 135 under the sign of Aquarius it could be far worse, causing sleep driving. In most cases, the sleep driver will wake up totally confused at an A&W drive-in, where a Papa Burger will be waiting on the window tray.
February 19-March 20
The recent total solar eclipse has caused some very odd behavior down here on Earth, where those under your sign have shown an unusual craving for rabbit, especially deep-fried rabbit smothered with pork gravy (go figure!). Nobody knows for sure why, but the Swami believes it has to do with a rabbit’s long ears attracting certain cosmic signals emitted after the eclipse that caused them to release an odor that stimulates a human’s craving for large rodents. So this could be good news or bad news for you. It depends on if you like rabbit. No brainer, there.
March 21-April 19
A couple named Brad and Beth will pull in next to you in the RV park. You will peek out your window to see who they are, because, hey, we’re all curious about new neighbors, right? They will look normal. You will notice their small poodle, which will be named Piglet, which looks okay, too, except it’s a yapper. But here’s the rub. Brad and Beth are escapees from a mental institution. They stole the hospital administrator’s motorhome and are on the run. They’re harmless, but as you will soon learn they’re convinced they come from the planet Revlon, where all women are beautiful and all men are ugly. It’s not a problem there because the men that are the least ugly are perceived as the best looking, so even an ugly man can be handsome. Make sense? On Revlon, it’s called the Theory of Relativity.
April 20-May 20
As I write I am looking deep into my two crystal balls. I see very clearly that this is a month for you to avoid contact with clowns. Specifically, do not go to any public event with Ronald McDonald. And do not hire a clown for your kid’s or grandchild’s birthday party. The clown will bring you bad luck, plain and simple. The bad luck will last through the year. So ditch clowns for awhile. If one comes to your door, run away as fast as you can!
May 21-June 20
This will be the best month in your entire life. I say that based on the unique position of the planets Gouda and Cheddar in the Cheese Galaxy. I can’t go into great detail because it would take me pages based on my vast knowledge of Astrology which I studied for more than seven years in college and then three more in correspondence school. So trust me, Gemini, and have a great month. Did I mention it’s a superb time in the romance department? It is. So grab that bag of bones you call a husband or wife and prepare for romance! Lucky you!
June 21-July 22
Eating lima beans will cause you especially odiferous gas this month. And face it, if you’re in an RV, where space is tight, the release of this natural human product can get downright embarrassing. Did you know that 12 years ago, a man named Stanley strangled his wife to stop her from breaking wind that was so rank it was killing him? Well, I don’t know if this is true, but a guy I met in line at Taco Bell said so. Anyway, this is a good month to take some long walks. That said, if you RV alone, eat all the lima beans you want.
July 23-August 22
Your good luck RV site numbers this month will be 8, 27 and 52. Request those when you check in. You will be happy there. However, if there is a family next door with a black cat, it’s imperative to choose another site. The cat, while appearing harmless, is evil. It will sit at the window and stare at you, hour after hour. It will have a hypnotic effect on you, causing serious behavioral issues. For example, your normally attractive spouse will look to you like a chimp. In your mind, this will be real and very disturbing. You can only imagine what a huge turnoff this would be in the romance department.
August 23-September 22
Good news, Virgo. You will stay healthy all month. You will feel great! The only way you could feel better would be to take illegal drugs, which the Swami very strongly discourages. Illegal drugs are bad. Legal drugs are okay. For example, the Swami takes a baby aspirin every day to help keep his pipes clear and his ticker ticking.
COPYRIGHT 2017 by the Swami Hal Foundation. Swami Hal suggests you use your own judgment when considering his advice. “While I am right a lot, I am also wrong a lot,” he explains. All rights (and wrongs) reserved.