By Chuck Woodbury
ROADSIDE JOURNAL
We almost fell for the news you will read below. Social media was buzzing this past week with this story about a New York man who had been arrested in Yellowstone National Park for trying to milk a male buffalo. It was fake news right from the start. Even though we didn’t fall for the gag and post it, others did, eager for some easy clicks and the money that follows.
From what we learned, the “article” was an attempt at humor as a way to illustrate all the stupid things that tourists do, whether at Yellowstone, Yosemite or at any other public place.
Here, below, is how the news [spoof] went. Again, remember that this is not true. But, in the spirit of the post, we can guarantee that something just as stupid will happen tomorrow and the days after anywhere that tourists gather.
Park officials confirmed yesterday that a 37-year-old tourist from New York was taken into custody after attempting to milk a full-grown male buffalo in broad daylight.
Witnesses said the man set down a plastic bucket, strapped a GoPro video camera to his head, and announced he was about to “make history in mozzarella.” The buffalo disagreed. With one swift kick, the 2,000-pound bull launched the tourist into a patch of sagebrush, leaving what park rangers later described as “hoof-print graffiti across his ribs.”
When interviewed from his hospital bed, the man insisted, “How was I supposed to know? Back in New York, they don’t label these things. I thought milk came from any buffalo. Equal opportunity, right?”
Rangers clarified in their incident report that male buffalo do not, in fact, produce milk, though this particular one produced a “spectacular amount of rage.”
The tourist has been fined for wildlife harassment, permanently banned from the park, and warned against attempting any future dairy experiments. Officials closed their statement with a new park slogan: “Look, it’s a bull. Don’t pull.”
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