BY SWAMI HAL
Swami Hal is a retired psychic who travels full-time in a 37-foot Pace Arrow motorhome with his considerably younger, full-figured German wife Helga, aka Helga the Magnificent. The couple have two dogs, Brownie and Spotty, and a black cat named Blacky. Swami Hal has won numerous awards (he says), due to his uncanny ability to predict the future with fairly decent accuracy. We are honored to have the exclusive rights to publish Swami Hal’s monthly horoscopes for RV enthusiasts.
March 21-April 19
This is the month of love for you, Aries! But you must do something to initiate the romance. Approach your husband, wife or the person who you lust for, stare deeply into his or her eyes and say, “I love you a lot, even more than myself.” Believe Swami Hal, this will endear you in a way beyond your wildest dreams.
April 20-May 20
A group of RVers in your park will be gathered in a circle in lawn chairs. As you walk by with your spouse or friend, a pleasant-looking guy in a plaid shirt named Will Bernard will politely invite you to join them. Everyone looks friendly, so you walk over and sit in two chairs just waiting for you. Very bad decision: Don’t do it! These are swingers trolling for new members. Stay away unless you’re into that sort of thing!
May 21-June 20
Toothpaste will figure prominently in your life this month, Gemini. It will probably be Pepsodent in a 12-ounce tube. The most likely scenario is that your spouse will be angry with you for squeezing the tube from the top, not the bottom. Be careful: The argument could get nasty. Always remember, the love of a spouse is more important than a tube of toothpaste, except for maybe one or two brands.
June 21-July 22
This is the month of the invasive mouse. A mouse family will try to move into your RV where it could do great damage. So, immediately, order a 12-ounce squeeze bottle of Mountain Lion Urine to spray a “pee-rimeter” around your RV. Those mice will take one whiff and high tail it away. The downside: Good luck getting your poodle out the door!
July 23-August 22
The strangest thing you have likely ever experienced, Leo, will occur this month. When you arrive at your next campground you will notice something very odd on your roof. A two-foot saguaro cacti will be where your TV antenna or satellite dish should be. The Swami is not kidding. This has been happening across America, but mostly in Nebraska. Expert psychics believe this is the work of aliens from the distant planet Plaque.
August 23-September 22
It may have been something in the water in the last RV park where you stayed. Your spouse will seem especially amorous this month. We’re not talking just a little amorous, but big-time amorous, like when the two of you were young — the good ol’ days before your hormones went to sleep. So, the Swami’s advice: Go for it!
September 23-October 22
You better sit down for this news, which you will find hard to believe. But the fact is, your athletic prowess has not gone unnoticed, and there is an excellent chance an NFL agent will call later this month to offer you a two-year contract with the Cleveland Browns as a wide receiver. That’s the good news. The bad news is you will be the backup for two years. Still, that $2 million contract is pretty darn sweet!
October 23-November 21
If you’re a woman in your 60s or 70s, you may have a sudden, overwhelming feeling that you are pregnant. But, false alarm! It’s just gas! If you’re a male and think you’re pregnant, you’ve got some mental issues.
November 22-December 21
Oh, this is hard to believe, but the stars say it could be true. You will awake one morning this month, probably on a Tuesday, and will feel the urge to sing. And, amazingly, your usually terrible voice will suddenly be beautiful — stunning, in fact! But the bad news, 10 months later it will go bad again. So quick, see an agent, record a CD, book a few performances in snowbird RV parks in and around Mesa, Arizona, and then have a great time spending the $37,600 you earn.
December 22-January 19
Around the middle of this month, your next door neighbor in the RV park will be Justin Trudeau, the Prime Minister of Canada. Impossible, right? But the alignment of planets in the distant Feces Belt of the Ribeye Constellation says it will likely happen. But, please treat him like any other camper. He’s in the park on a secret mission of importance to all North Americans. Do not ask for his autograph or you could jeopardize world peace.
January 20-February 18
Has your hair seemed unruly lately? Signs from the moon Slatz 4 in the Pergo Galaxy suggest it’s because of cheap shampoo. Good shampoo, signs indicate, will make your hair fluffy and healthy, just the way you like it. Within a week, people will approach you and say, “Hey, nice hair!”
February 19-March 20
Avoid the potato salad at your RV park’s Snowbird Farewell Party. The asteroid Floppo, which is traveling a triangular path around the planet Glubberputz, suggests there is a substantial chance the mayonnaise in the salad is spoiled, which can lead to serious food poisoning. The Swami knows about food poisoning, as his third wife, Betty Lynn Platski-Rufus, tried to do him in with some tainted tuna fish. Betty Lynn now spends her days in a maximum security slammer where she gives haircuts with toenail clippers.
COPYRIGHT 2017 by the Swami Hal Foundation. Swami Hal suggests to use your own judgment when considering his advice. “While I am right a lot, I am also wrong a lot,” he explains. All rights (and wrongs) reserved.