BY SWAMI HAL
Swami Hal is a retired psychic who travels full-time in a 37-foot Pace Arrow motorhome with his considerably younger, full-figured German wife Helga, aka Helga the Magnificent. The couple have two dogs, Brownie and Spotty, and a black cat named Blacky. Swami Hal has won numerous awards (he says), due to his uncanny ability to predict the future with fairly decent accuracy. We are honored to have the exclusive rights to publish Swami Hal’s monthly horoscopes for RV enthusiasts.
TAURUS
April 20-May 20
Oh, Taurus, the stars, moons and planets are aligned in a very bad way regarding RV waste management. They suggest that there is an increased risk this month of your sewer hose springing a leak and spewing filthy waste every which way. Oh, how horrible! Our advice: Get a new hose, an easy solution to a potentially icky problem.
GEMINI
May 21-June 20
That DNA test you sent away for has not come back for one important reason. It was intercepted by the U.S. Space Alien Task Force because it contains DNA never seen in a human before. The best guess is that about 700 years ago, your distant grandmother Gertie Von Strongbreath mated with a creature, probably named Vol, from the distant planet Blastovia (every male on the planet is named Vol). Please keep this news a secret. Whatever you do, DO NOT tell your children! They will freak!!
CANCER
June 21-July 22
You will receive an email from a friend traveling in Hong Kong saying he was robbed at the airport. He will ask for $3,000 to get home, promising to pay after he arrives. Do not do it! Trust Swami Hal, this is not from a friend at all, but a slimy scumbag, probably some young punk in Albania trying to weasel you out of your hard-earned money. What a creep!
LEO
July 23-August 22
Watch your mouth this month, and we don’t mean your speech. Signs warn that dental decay may be accelerated now due to a major cosmic event near the planet Celery 2 in the Zoltarium System of Outer Plutz. To avoid damage to your teeth, add an extra brushing every day through the month. That should keep you out of trouble.
VIRGO
August 23-September 22
It’s critical that you check the air pressure immediately on your tow vehicle or motorhome tires. One tire may be dangerously low. The asteroids Zylocrap and Memorex are converging, which tells the Swami’s crystal balls that the low tire will most likely be on the left rear. It may be time for a tire pressure monitoring system.
LIBRA
September 23-October 22
This is a lucky month for you, Libra. Sometime, probably on the 16th or 17th, you will receive an unexpected check for at least $500, possibly more. But be sure it comes from someone you know personally or it could be a scam. Whatever you do, do not gamble with the money. You will lose every penny!
SCORPIO
October 23-November 21
Stay away from Mexican restaurants on the 13th and 14th. The Swami awoke from a deep sleep recently with a vision of a Mexican restaurant chef accidentally spilling soapy water in the salsa. The salsa may not taste quite right, Scorpio, but it will still be good enough to eat. You will not realize your mistake in eating it until about five hours later, when your toilet will become your best friend.
SAGITTARIUS
November 22-December 21
Your next stay in an RV park will be next door (most likely on the right) to a 50-something couple from Budapest, Hungary. You can score some excellent points with them by inviting them over for homemade goulash.
CAPRICORN:
December 22-January 19
Before heading off on your next trip, be sure to set two or three mouse traps at home. It’s very likely that if you do not, you will have a mouse problem when you return. Trust the Swami on this one. He knows a lot about mice.
AQUARIUS
January 20-February 18
This could be a spectacular month for you, Aquarius, if you stay at least two consecutive nights in a campsite numbered either 17 or 53. If you stay in such a site, keep your phone handy, because it’s entirely possible you will receive a call informing you that you won $2.7 million in the Irish Lottery!
PISCES
February 19-March 20
Your unlucky number this month is 287. Avoid this number anywhere it should appear. If you do not, there is a high risk of spilling turkey gravy on your carpet. Nobody wants that, so be careful.
ARIES
March 21-April 19
It’s likely you will receive an email out of the blue this month from an old flame, who will confess his or her enduring love for you, mentioning a $2.3 million divorce settlement which he or she would like to share with you. All you must do is fly to Rapid City, South Dakota, to join up with this old flame. Do not do it! This person is wacko!
COPYRIGHT 2017 by the Swami Hal Foundation. Swami Hal suggests you use your own judgment when considering his advice. “While I am right a lot, I am also wrong a lot,” he explains. All rights (and wrongs) reserved.