BY SWAMI HAL
Swami Hal is a retired psychic who travels full-time in a 37-foot Pace Arrow motorhome with his considerably younger, full-figured German wife Helga, aka Helga the Magnificent. The couple have two dogs, Brownie and Spotty, and a black cat named Blacky. Swami Hal has won numerous awards (he says), due to his uncanny ability to predict the future with fairly decent accuracy. We are honored to have the exclusive rights to publish Swami Hal’s monthly horoscopes for RV enthusiasts.
July 23-August 22
Sad to stay, this month’s solar eclipse may mess up your romantic life. For example, August is not the time for a fancy dinner at a romantic restaurant. Nor is it a good time to travel to a romantic place, like Hawaii, where you would normally see hula girls. The girls will be away on vacations of their own. All you will see are tourists on the beach sunning themselves and, frankly, some of them don’t look so hot in a bathing suit. So just stay home, although RV travel is okay.
August 23-September 22
A man will show up at your door with a suitcase. He will claim you were classmates in high school. You will stare and stare at the person, but won’t remember him. Be careful, you could easily fall for his story, which involves hardship and a woman named Pam who wronged him. It may be true, but do not let him into your house. His plan is to rob you, the creep!
September 23-October 22
Mars and Venus are aligned with the distant star Maxwell in the Urganian Galaxy. This means it’s a bad month for Libras in money matters. Whatever you do, do not buy a new RV. You might think you’ll be getting a good deal, but, nope, you’ll get taken to the cleaners. The rig is junk. If you buy it, the salesmen back at the RV dealership will be laughing.
October 23-November 21
This is the month for fruit. Eat lots of peaches and apricots, as they will be especially tasty. The problem is that the fruit will be so exceptionally good that you will be tempted to eat way too much. Well, you guessed the problem: multiple visits to ye ol’ john. So, the Swami’s advice. Eat fruit, but in moderation. And, no prunes! Yikes, that could be really bad!
November 22-December 21
A man named Manny Gonzales will be in the campsite next to you with his dog Waffles and his pretty wife Obie Pulengardt. He will be a rough-looking character, but he is really a nice person, as is Obie. And Waffles does not bite, so no problems there. Obie will ask you to join them for dinner. Take her up on it as it will be excellent. Bring a bone for Waffles, too, or he will feel left out.
December 22-January 19
Your thoughts are already of Christmas. You are feeling pressure to buy gifts early so you don’t have to scramble later. But, really, take your time. Christmas is five months away, and based on the positions of the planets Vacuum and Cleaner in the Hoover Belt, there will be plenty of specials this year. So wait, and save some dinero.
January 20-February 18
You will have a reoccurring dream this month about cowboys and Indians. In your dream, your horse Rayban will break its leg and you will be left helpless in the middle of a battle in Death Canyon, which is just south of Dead Man’s Gorge, which is east of Mortuary Mountain which is 2.3 miles from Stiff Slough, known through the West as the birthplace of Cowboy Football, where the guys not only throw the ball, but the woman holding it! Even though you will be horrified in your dream, try to get your subconscious to understand that it’s just a dream, and think of it as a free movie you get to watch while you sleep.
February 19-March 20
One night this month, someone will knock on your door in the middle of the night. Do not answer! It will be a silverware thief named Marion MacDonald, known throughout the country as Marion the Bad. She has been making the rounds lately in RV parks and campgrounds, targeting late model diesel pushers. Sometimes she hits Montana fifth wheels. Last month she robbed two RVers in Lance Campers while they were holed up at a Walmart Superstore in Petaluma, California.
March 21-April 19
Someone needs to tell you this, so it might as well be the Swami. You have bad breath! Really bad! Haven’t you noticed that when you talk to someone up close they turn or back away? It’s time to find a good dental hygienist who can clean out all the bacteria that’s causing your problem. Do it fast. And whatever you do, do not eat garlic until after the cleaning. Your breath will be almost deadly if you put garlic on top of your already horrible breath.
April 20-May 20
The sign of the bull really means something this month. Because just like a bull, you will be horny, too. You will be in the mood day and night, and it will drive your significant other crazy, for you don’t normally give a darn about intimate behavior except perhaps some heavy petting of your dog. There is really nothing you can do to moderate your desires, so just use self-restraint and the month will pass fast.
May 21-June 20
Your RV has been running great for quite a while now, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but according to distant environmental radiation from the Galaxy Blazilla, large mechanical devices will tend to have problems toward the end of the month. The best advice the Swami can provide is to be sure your Roadside Assistance Plan is paid up. And be sure to check your oil at least twice during the month. That can’t hurt.
June 21-July 22
August is always a good time for Cancers to lose some weight. If you can’t do it with your diet, then better do some serious walking or, even better, jogging. In August, weight comes off easier. One theory is that it’s a hot month and we sweat more, hence the extra weight loss. But remember, this is just water weight and it will come right back. So, best advice: no candy, no soda, and go easy on the suds.
COPYRIGHT 2017 by the Swami Hal Foundation. Swami Hal suggests you use your own judgment when considering his advice. “While I am right a lot, I am also wrong a lot,” he explains. All rights (and wrongs) reserved.